4/20 Fake News: The Stoned Food Critic

I visited one of those new pizza joints downtown, I'm totally spacing on the name, D'anardo's or Dichico's something like that. They caught my attention during the hour of the Simpson's that channel 5 had at 11 with their commercials with a cartoon dude juggling pizzas that looks a lot like Mario from Donkey Kong. So if you see a Mario-lookin' dude on a commercial, that's the place I'm talking about.

Cheddar, the dude I checked D'whatever's with, said that it was a little dingy, but I wasn't paying attention to that atmosphere shit that he goes for. My nose - and grumbling tummy- kept my eye on the prize and I said, "Garcon, 4 of your finest kinds of pie!"(gotta love an expense account!) Those magnificent swarthy bastards totally hooked me UP! Ched and I dug in with the vengeance.

Man, they were AWESOME! Just, you know, Awesome. Just really awesome. Cheddar said shit like the Lotta Meata pie was too greasy, but I don't know what the fuck he's talking about, it's really fuckin' good! Cheddar always gets on me for not taking this food critic gig seriously, but what can I say? I'm like an umpire, I calls 'em like I sees 'um!

It wasn't all good though, the cheese fries sat in my stomach like a fuckin' rock; though going down they were AMAZING. Between that and the dudes working there making fun of me for suggesting they put gravy on said fries (nobody has taken that suggestion from me, yet), I'm docking them a half star. This means that D'blahblah's gets my lowest rating ever: 4 and a half stars out of 5.

Delaware's unintentional humor

As regular readers may know, I grew up in Lower Delaware. Growing up there, especially before I started driving, sucked. Fun was rare, but there were plenty of locations whose names filled me with sophomoric giggles.

The Assawoman Bay, and of course the Little Assawoman Bay.

Brown and Stiff Realty- Swear to God, their signs were all over the lowest part of lower Delaware, stuck in the front lawn of houses for sale.

The Suicide Bridge Restaurant- I'm cheating a bit, this is actually in Maryland, but they advertised heavily on our local radio stations. This place is still open, despite having the least appealing name I've ever heard for a restaurant. Check out the website at the link, they talk about the suicides that inspired the name AND offer to host your wedding reception. That's right, people actually put on the invitations, "Reception to follow at the Suicide Bridge Restaurant, 6304 Suicide Bridge Road...

Berry's Funeral Home- If you don't get that, say it out loud.

MurderKill River-Fuck you, Pennsylvania with your Brandywine, we've got the Murderkill!

Update: I almost forgot Slaughter Beach! Maybe I was trying to forget because my foot got super infected after I stepped on a horseshoe crab there.

Saturday Videos

Is this funny? I think so, but I'm too jazzed to see The Kids In The Hall. Then I become mesmerized with how big their heads have gotten.



I was going to put this one up last week and I flaked.


9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says

A guy finds something interesting on his friend's computer


Naked Pictures of Your Buddys Girlfriend - Watch more free videos

These people are the very definition on dumb luck. Sorry I couldn't embed it.

Stupid Game Show Answers

If you haven't seen it, you need to: Saul Bass vs. Star Wars

The Return Of Saturday Videos

Sorry for the absence the past couple of weeks, one Saturday, my brother got married, the other no excuse.

Here's a Vid of one of my favorite characters on my all-time favorite live action comedy, 30 Rock.NSFW



This is the first 5 minutes of Morgan Spurlock's new movie, the fight at the beginning is priceless.
Forgive the stupid commercial at the beginning



Mario's had enough of this jumping on turtles Bullshit!



John Malkovich's commitment to every thing he does is inspiring.



The "If you haven't seen it, you need to" section. South Park did a parody of this last episode and it seemed like a lot of people never saw the original. NSFW



And if you didn't see the South Park Parody



You're Welcome!

Signs The Movie You're Making Is Gonna Suck

With all of the focus grouping and second guessing in the Motion Picture Industry an awful lot of shitty movies get released. This wouldn't make much difference if they made a lot of money to counteract their lack of quality, but this is often not the case. The people whose money really matter is mine and yours.

There are many unofficial rules I use that a movies going to suck that hold strong and true while some (goes straight to DVD, stars Keanu Reeves) have been proven wrong, albeit rarely. These are the surefire ones.

1. When the most famous person involved with the movie is the executive producer.
This is especially true when the person hasn't had the best track record ("from Executive Producer Jennifer Lopez"). I would be the last person in the world who thinks you need proven stars to make a worthwhile movie, but the persons that make shitty movies don't share my opinion.

2. When you make a sequel and you can't get the star to commit, but do it anyway.
This is especially true when the original movie is the biggest one the star has ever done. I mean if you can't get Jeff Fahey to do Lawnmower Man 2, pack it in. Who's Jeff Fahey? Exactly. You can almost guarantee suckage if the star DOES come back when they died in the first one. Then they have to be shoehorned in with flashbacks or improbable resurrection (The "Sean Connery in Highlander 2 Rule").

3. You have to connect two obviously separate scenes to get a laugh in the trailer for a comedy. What? There aren't enough jokes to sacrifice for a thirty second commercial?

4. Your making the third, fourth or more in a series where nobody even realizes there were any sequels at all. Do you know there have been 4 Tremors movies? 8 Hellraisers? 4 Revenge of the Nerds? Have you already turned your browser elsewhere?

5. Three Words: Starring Paris Hilton. She's like the Pauly Shore of the new millennium. Just awful.

Today in Fake News: Made-Up Conspiracy Believed By Conspiracy Theorist

Since The Onion doesn't accept submissions, I have to pose my own fake news.

Eugene, Oregon- Local Conspiracy Theorist Lee Abbott, creator of the web site It's All Connected, is spreading the rumor of another government plot to control the general population that saw it's origin as a joke.

Mike Franklin, who has lived with Abbott for two years explains: "I was at a party discussing Lee's crazy blog and we started coming up with our own out-there plots to crack ourselves up and someone said that the government employed subcultural taste makers to get kids to wear their pants big, so they would fall down if they ran from the authorities."

"I didn't think we went far enough, so I said that they also encouraged facial piercings and tattoos to guarantee that they never infiltrate the upper classes. When I got home, I told Lee about it and I though he'd get the joke, but 20 minutes later it was on his site under the headline, 'Subjugated By Subculture', with a theory that everyone from Fred Durst to Fallout Boy was on the government payroll."

The other people in Abbott's newsgroup have run with the story as well. Gary "Stumps" Campbell of the Altoona Truth Network says, "This merely confirms what many of us have thought for years, that the Military-Industrial Complex will use any tool the keep the "sheep" in line."

Franklin has been shocked at the impact his fictional story has had. "I thought about telling Lee it was just a joke, but how I want to make up more 'conspiracies'. It's just too easy!"