I was too busy writing the book (for once) to do any blog post, but looking through my hard drive I found this speech. This isn't for any real wedding, this was just a reaction to the over-the-top lovey dovey best man speeches I been hearing(sample "The closest I've ever been to a normal relationship is standing next to these two.")
By the by: How schadenfreude-ingly delicious that Paris Hilton is going to jail? I feel that most of the jailhouse antics I'm imagining will stay in my mind; in class war, you tend not to do any real time, just ask Ken Lay.
Oh, boy. I've been dreading this. I don't know what to say. I was hoping to have a few more drinks in me. You know, I guess the best thing I can say about the "Happy Couple" is that at least they're not ruining 2 other people's lives.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their behavior at the ceremony. I'm sure that the bride and groom and their family appreciate that when the minister asked if anyone had any reason that they shouldn't be wed, that everyone kept their input quick and to the point and that that they lined up very neatly.
Anyhow, the history, wow! The history! Their love was proven a mere two hours after they met, when they got each other's names enthusiastically tattooed on them. Well, kinda. I talked to the groom after it happened and I noticed that the bride's name had an extra "L". He said, "The extra L stands for Love."
You know, what they really are, are enthusiastic. They just dive into everything. They weren't crack addicts, they were crack enthusiasts! I've got to say I'm not too enthusiastic about having to buy a new TV after they stole mine, but that was oh so many days ago. They, and we, have been trying to move on.
And the passion! Their passion is legendary. Not just among family and friends, or several members of local, county and state law enforcement, but now to the nationwide audience of the Jerry Springer show. By the way, at the couple's request, their episode "Organ Stealing Sweeties" will be shown in about 10 minutes.
A lot of people have told me that they didn't envy my position as "best man", but I say it's about faith, faith in the transforming power of love. Even though they occasionally show it in painful and disfiguring ways, they do love each other.. Faith that their clouds of dysfunction will part for the bright light of uncomplicated happiness.
And if I'm wrong, I do have faith that the kick to the groin she gave him last New Year's Eve has rendered them unable to have children, or his kids anyway. But that's another Springer episode.
EVERYBODY ENJOY THE VEAL!
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