The Nitty Gritty

But more than all of those I am an entertainer. I carry around a ukulele with me for the same reason a gangster carries a gun; better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Stage or sidewalk, Your Pal Pete shows are just where they happen.
Currently, I'm working on a musical, RagnaPOP(or she's got the bomb), set to premiere at this year's Capital Fringe Festival. I'm also working on music, comedy, and musical comedy; for kids and/or adults.
The fruit of these projects will be available on this site, so check back regularly!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Things that I have NEVER understood about men.

Being a male of the species gives me the opportunity to talk and interact with them in a way that women aren't privy to and there are many stereotypical activities that I will gleefully join them in. I will ogle women, I will be free with gaseous disbursement, I will click through TV channels at lightning speed, but there are certain quirks that I cannot get my mind around. I'm not talking about the participation and watching of sports, I don't do either very much but I understand the appeal. I'm not remotely attracted to Jessica Simpson or Paris Hilton, but I can see how another fella might be(I call it the Pam Anderson factor). But these things are beyond my comprehension.
(I feel I must qualify this a bit. I've been lucky that most of my close male friends don't do these things, at least not all of them.)
1. Menstruation-
It's a fact that throughout history that women bleed out of their genitalia every month. It's something men, flat out, need to get over. Women still, as a whole, have a much higher hygiene level than men.
A long time ago a woman told me that kept her pot stash in a tampon box when she traveled because she knew if a male cop pulled her over, that was the last place he'd look for ANYTHING.
2.The cheating double standard-
I used to work with a guy at the Sharper Image who had two kids with his girlfriend. He would tell us story after story about women he had hooked up with, some of whom would visit at the store. I asked him how he'd feel if his girl had been with somebody else and without hesitating, he said, "I'd kill her." I've heard this sentiment repeated, less colorfully, many times by other dudes. I've occasionally heard it trying to be explained away as, "well, men have needs..." Betrayal is betrayal, chalking it up to biological imperative is bullshit.
3.The weight double standard-
Another thing that I understand but don't agree with is when men aren't attracted to women with a little weight on them. This attitude has gotten me labeled as a chubby chaser, but that's just not the case. I happen to have a broader view of what I think is attractive in women, It's how you carry yourself that's important to me.
On a slow day at the Sharper Image, a couple of co-workers and I hung out at the front of the store watching the women pass by. To paint a picture, bodywise we were like a "before","during", and "after" in a diet ad, with me being the "after". I saw one lady that made me comment,"she's cute", to which the "before" said, "Maybe if she lost some weight." To which I said, "Motherfucker, maybe if you lost some weight. You could take our extra blubber and Make one of her!"
4. Sterility-
I don't understand why men think it's a sinking shot to their masculinity when they have a low to non existent sperm count. This is something that I've seen more in TV and movies than real life, but it has happened. I had a friend once drunkly confide to me that if he was the reason he and his wife couldn't conceive, she would leave him. I tried to reassure him, "if it was that important to her, she would have put your boys under the microscope before you got married."
5.Oral sex reciprocity-
This makes me ashamed to be a man. If a woman goes down on you, you should return the favor (and it is a favor). That's at the very least common courtesy. I've heard many a protest, "It's gross!", which would be a valid argument only if the by-product of a blow job was chocolate.
6.Why men are threatened by smart women-
I have little patience for men or women that act dumb when there are so many people who come by it honestly, but it happens and I don't get it. Even for just a date or a romp in the old sack don't you need at least some intelligent conversation between orgasms? Maybe this is why I'm not attracted to Jessica or Paris.
7."Your girlfriend left you for another woman and you don't feel like less than a man?" "Not at all. I could give her a lot, but I couldn't give her another vagina."
8. Men talking their significant others into getting breast jobs.
"If you really love me, you'll mutilate yourself so I won't break up with you for six more months."
Don't even get me started about the male obsession with a shaved female pubic area. Hopefully no one will ever ask me to do it to myself. With my body hair, it would look like a old guy just getting started mowing an over grown lawn.

Ladies, don't think you're off the hook, there's a lot more I don't understand about you.


Lonnie Bruner said...

Correction: all women do not "bleed out of their genitalia every month". There's a birth control pill that only gives her four periods per year.

And from personal experience, I can say, it's guite nice. ;-)

DC Super Powers said...

After reading this post, I thought "Wow! There's no way this guy is single." Then I checked out the pics on your MySpace page and saw your room...
You seem to "get it" on many levels, so I don't mind sharing: A little bit of tidy goes a long way in a girl's head. A very long way.
Thanks for the great blog!

Your Pal Pete said...

Thank you for the compliment! I appreciate your input, but my untidyness has never been that much of an issue with anyone I've ever been involved with, much to the amazement of the other guys I've lived with (ask Lonnie). Besides I have to much going on in the ole noggin to date anyone right now.

Lonnie Bruner said...

He's not lying. Pete gets more ass than a toilet seat. I've known him since like 1993.

SueZen said...

"If a woman goes down on you, you should return the favor (and it is a favor). "

a favor?

That's no favor....It's a PRIVILEGE, my friend!!!!

(I mean, My Pal)

Boutros said...

Bravo, Pal, Bravo.

future said...

Here's how your family tree works:

Family - Hominidae
Genus - Homo
Species - Homo Sapien
Gender - male

SueZen is right. Any guy not liking where the down boys go clearly spends too much time identifying with the genus. Ha!