Hey! I'm 37!

As it sometimes happens, I can't sleep on my birthday. Something in my body makes me stay awake for as much of it as possible. It's not a gigantic deal, but I wanted to acknowledge it in some way.

I was on Scrubs(in a dream)

I occasionally have dreams where I'm acting in movies that are basically improvised on my end, but there are no cameras. One of the first ones I had like this was when I played a old friend to a rich rock star that came to visit him at his swanky new digs and when I got to met a female friend played by Clea Duvall.

And I thought to myself, "Yea! Clea Duvall is playing my love interest!" I woke up before that came to be, though
Any woo, I had one the other night where I was a new doctor on "Scrubs". I was trying to bond with J.D. (Zach Braff's character) because we had so much in common: riding scooters,telling dumb jokes, loving songs from the 80's(not me, mind you,the character I was playing).
J.D. however was suspicious of me because I seemed to be better at being him than he was; the janitor liked me and people actually laughed at my dumb jokes.
There's a "oh" moment on almost every episode of Scrubs where it's shown that things are not as they appear and I suppose my character would have one of those as well, but I woke up.
It was a lot better than getting chased by zombies, though.

Awesome things(in my opinion)

This picture of Prince from back in the day(before I had pubic hair, that far back)

This is a link to an awesome performance of Ted Leo solo. If you don't know, Ted is one of my all time favorite songwriters. I put this link because he does a great save when his guitar goes out that just cements his awesomeness.
Ted fuckin' Leo!
This is from the upcoming HBO series "Flight of The Conchords" I've loved the Conchords since I saw their HBO special last year. It's a lot like the old Tenacious D series, very informed by their type of humor. If you like this song, you should check out their pilot episode.
http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?id=1559995&vid=149707
Flight of the Conchords - Prettiest Girl



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Kristen Schaal, who is the sole Flight of the Conchords fan in the pilot, is awesome herself has a series called Penelope, princess of pets it is hilarious!
Penelope!

Well, I liked it at least

I just saw Spiderman 3 and honestly I don't see what the fuss is about. I mean the "oh my god, it sucks" fuss. It wasn't perfect, but neither were the first two. A lot of people equated this one to the last X-Men movie in terms of drop in quality, but that is unfair; The Last Stand sucked more than a platoon of vacuum cleaners. The Spidey trilogy was more like the original Star Wars one; it goes good,better,pretty decent and all are worth watching. The parts that got the most criticism were the parts I liked the most, but I've always been a big fan to inappropriate dance/musical numbers for a straight guy. It made me think a lot about the other things I've liked more than other people. I was going to use a title with the word "underrated" but it didn't seem like a strong enough word for the difference in opinion I've had with most people about these things.

1.The Last "Seinfeld" episode.
It was often referred to as a "show about nothing" but that's not true. It was a show (that I loved, by the way) about selfish, neurotic people and sitcom-type antics that their selfish neuroses create. There was a karmic debt for both characters and viewers to pay for all the humor created from the ruining(and ending)of so many lives during the series run. All the old characters came back to deliver their vengeance on Jerry and company and I loved it.

2. The Matrix sequels.
Like Spidey 3, the main criticism I had with the Matrix sequels was they both could have used quite a bit of editing but also they all made me wonder what kind of movie people were expecting. They seemed like a logical extension to the story the originals started. But trust me, I wish they had cut out the rave scene from Reloaded too.

3. Shudder To Think, Pony Express Record.
I didn't live in D.C. when this came out, so I don't know what the reaction was in the band's hometown, but in Salisbury no one liked this record. Shudder first major label release came out in the midst of a ridiculous amount of record company generated hype that there was no way a record this aggressively arty could deliver on. Some latent homophobia was brought to the forefront with my friend's reactions to Craig Wedren's trilling falsetto singing, but I couldn't stop listening. It was liked the musical equivalent of a Reuben sandwich; ingredients that I normally hate(sauerkraut, rye bread:odd time signatures, willfully obscure lyrics) into something awesome.

4. Law and Order:Criminal Intent (not the Chris Noth ones)
People don't necessarily hate CI, but it is the lowest rated of the L&O series. I know people who are put off by Vincent D'Onofrio twitchy detective Robert Goren, but he is easily my favorite non-animated TV character. Relentless and knowledgeable to a suspicious degree, he is a force of nature in a gray suit and he is hypnotic to watch. The last ten minutes of the show are always the best, with Goren dissecting both the crime and the criminal in his inimitable manner, pulling out emotional confessions with cock-eyed stares and laser-beam insight.
The show has focused on his abnormal family that got possibly exponentially weirder with the revelation on the most recent episode that a serial rapist and killer might be Goren's real father(with a truly amazing performance from Vincent).
All that being said, the last line of dialogue on almost every episode is LAME.

The Problem with Conspiracy Theories

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I (unironically) Love The Bee Gees!

I don't love American Idol, though. Tonight is Bee Gees night on Idol, but I won't watch. American Idol has a bunch of people singing in a way I don't care for to add one more(at least) person to the landscape of people making shitty music.
But, as the title illustrates, I love the Bee Gees! As songwriters and performers, they are utter originals.

I was about 7 when "Saturday Night Fever" came out and I jumped on the "Disco Sucks" bandwagon, which they were the face for the movement. Their shameful evisceration of the Beatles songs in the movie "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" guaranteed my hatred of them for years to come.
When I got older some of their older songs crept into my conscience, then into my CD collection. It's telling that they released 2 greatest hits collections before they morphed into the R&B/Disco juggernaut they became, they were the masters of melancholy pop and have two solid discs of proof. Their vocal arrangements and the vocals themselves let them get away with things that would make other bands sound silly and cloying but fit the Brothers Gibb like a freakin' glove. I mean their first hit was called "New York Mining Disaster 1941" fer Christsakes!
Exhibit One:"I Started a Joke"

The hardest part of writing this was picking videos, they have so many great songs from that era:"Massachusetts", "I Got to Get A Message To You","Words", "How Do You Mend A Broken Heart" and of course the often covered(and mangled) "To Love Somebody"

That's not to say that their dance stuff wasn't great as well; in time, I softened up to that along with Disco in general. This transformation began with their "Main Course" album containing the unforgettable "Jive Talkin'" (The rhythm of which was inspired by the sound their car made as it went over a bridge they took on the way to the studio every day)

But the sweet still had the sour. Check out the sorrow weaving it's way through "Nights on Broadway."

They still brought the slow jams, "Too Much Heaven", "How Deep Is Your Love". It's the rare millionaire pop star that can still deliver a love song with true emotion. "Cause we're living in a world of fools/ breaking us down/ when they all should let us be/ we belong to you and me" Genius!

American Idol contestants have sung their songs and will sing their songs again, but I'll stick with the originals.

Zombies, Zombies, Zombies!

Last night(or more accurately, this morning) I had some really fucked up dreams. I had an awesome one the night(morning) before where I was playing Wayne Kramer in a biopic about one of my favorite bands, The MC5! I had the afro wig and pasted on sideburns and I looked JUST like Brother Wayne. The greatest part was that I could do all of my singing and guitar playing(or easily fake what I couldn't). I hated waking up!
This morning was a different story. In the dream I had, I was at some sort of music playing practice type thing. I went to the bathroom and for some reason lifted up my shirt. In my chest I found some face trying to get out. I figured that this was a serious enough malady to leave "practice". The problem was that some of the people I were playing with had become mindless zombies intent on attacking me. I was able to escape(barely) and tried to get help, but all I got were more zombies. I went on the top of a large building/art installation to escape, but no use. I jumped in to the water to escape a young zombie child trying to attack me with all the ferocity of it's adult counterparts . I swam to the opposite side of the body of water to avoid the zombies and to try to hear the news or get on the internet to understand what was going on, but it was hard to avoid the undead. I hit up some strangers to get on their internet to figure out what was going on since the non-zombiefied didn't seem to have the slightest inkling what was happening. But my new friends seemed to turn against me too so I fled yet again. Just before I woke up I pulled up my shirt to find dozens of faces now trying to leave me.
I realized that I was what was turning these people into zombies, I was mindlessly stealing their souls and their bodies were trying to extract their souls back from me.
This was when when I woke up. I got up to take a piss and went back to sleep. Normally my "go back to sleep"dreams are different and far more weird than the others, but not this time.
My next dream was in a zombie fighting virtual reality game that I could walk around in, but also control with a playstation-like controler. I was trying to show Rashida Jones(from The Office) hold on, Her:

how the game worked, how sometimes I'd have to fight zombie spiders and different challenges and she said,"How about if I was a Zombie?" and started to come after my brains. I ran away and tried to stop her with shots from my controller, but no go. I still was pursued by a hot zombie through the halls of my subconscious. During my escape I passed by several non-undead people that would provide enough sustenance for her so that I could make my escape. I did, because I always escape from the monsters of my dreams.
PAGING DR. FREUD!

The Worst Best Man Speech EVER!

I was too busy writing the book (for once) to do any blog post, but looking through my hard drive I found this speech. This isn't for any real wedding, this was just a reaction to the over-the-top lovey dovey best man speeches I been hearing(sample "The closest I've ever been to a normal relationship is standing next to these two.")
By the by: How schadenfreude-ingly delicious that Paris Hilton is going to jail? I feel that most of the jailhouse antics I'm imagining will stay in my mind; in class war, you tend not to do any real time, just ask Ken Lay.

Oh, boy. I've been dreading this. I don't know what to say. I was hoping to have a few more drinks in me. You know, I guess the best thing I can say about the "Happy Couple" is that at least they're not ruining 2 other people's lives.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their behavior at the ceremony. I'm sure that the bride and groom and their family appreciate that when the minister asked if anyone had any reason that they shouldn't be wed, that everyone kept their input quick and to the point and that that they lined up very neatly.

Anyhow, the history, wow! The history! Their love was proven a mere two hours after they met, when they got each other's names enthusiastically tattooed on them. Well, kinda. I talked to the groom after it happened and I noticed that the bride's name had an extra "L". He said, "The extra L stands for Love."

You know, what they really are, are enthusiastic. They just dive into everything. They weren't crack addicts, they were crack enthusiasts! I've got to say I'm not too enthusiastic about having to buy a new TV after they stole mine, but that was oh so many days ago. They, and we, have been trying to move on.
And the passion! Their passion is legendary. Not just among family and friends, or several members of local, county and state law enforcement, but now to the nationwide audience of the Jerry Springer show. By the way, at the couple's request, their episode "Organ Stealing Sweeties" will be shown in about 10 minutes.

A lot of people have told me that they didn't envy my position as "best man", but I say it's about faith, faith in the transforming power of love. Even though they occasionally show it in painful and disfiguring ways, they do love each other.. Faith that their clouds of dysfunction will part for the bright light of uncomplicated happiness.
And if I'm wrong, I do have faith that the kick to the groin she gave him last New Year's Eve has rendered them unable to have children, or his kids anyway. But that's another Springer episode.
EVERYBODY ENJOY THE VEAL!

When the going gets weird, the normal get conservative.

That title doesn't have much to do with this post, it's just something I heard Henry Rollins say one that I thought was cool. I've been trying to work on the book, with varying degrees of success. I might (after watching "The Devil and Daniel Johnston") write a week's worth of posts on my relationship with music. We'll see how much of that I write this weekend.

I spent the last part of the summer of 2003 driving across the country, helping my then-girlfriend Kate move to California. We trucked across the unpopulated vastness of much of the western United States, all the while suppressing the urge to say things that could come back to bite us on the ass like: "Wow! We're in the middle of NOWHERE!",(after passing a broken down car) "Man, hate to be that guy!" and "Did you hear(smell) something?"

Eventually we made our way to Berkeley, which answered a question I've never asked:"How Liberal is TOO liberal?" Kate's cousin had told us that California in general was just weird, "It's almost it's own country, it has rules and regulations that no other place had, and the weirdos..."

I'm used to weirdos, some of my best friends have been weirdos. Even the less anti-social ones I've come across still fit into the established archetypes of crazy: the unkempt, the paranoid, the talking-to-selves.

The first trip I took into San Francisco on the BART I realized that the "status quo challenged" here were, to me, true innovators. As we waited in the park outside the station for Kate's friend to met us for lunch, I saw in my lazy periphery what I thought was a bird cleaning under it's wing. As I put it to the foreground, I realized it was actually a rail-thin woman ducking her head into her pink zip-up sweatshirt. I trained my eyes a bit more, trying to figure it out what she was doing. Turns out she was tweezing her armpits with her fingers then flicking the plucked hairs out into the afternoon breeze.

Upon looking around a little more I saw a majestic magenta gentleman. He was a bit over six feet tall with long magenta-dyed hair dressed in a magenta bathrobe and magenta sandals, pulling a grocery cart. The cart and everything in it were colored the same shade of dusty magenta that everything else was.

I have rarely seen someone, before or since, look as utterly content as this fellow. He walked slowly, face towards the sun as if his bliss was solar-powered. He was the benevolent Magenta King, oblivious to the gawkers in his wake, gracing his subjects on this late summer afternoon.

When Kate's friend finally arrived, Kate and I tried to explain the glory of the Magenta King to him but we seemed to fall short. Luckily, the King himself passed by the burrito place where we were eating.

The friend was disappointed, "I thought he would be dressed nicer."

RIP, Herbert "H-Dog" Kornfeld

I got the news that regular Onion contributor Herbert "H-Dog" Kornfeld was found murdered, a victim of the accounting thug life that he chronicled so vividly in his op/eds. Pour some coffee on the sidewalk for H-Dog and all the other accountants and middle managers lost in this senseless violence.


The Article:
White-On-White Violence Claims Life Of Accounts Receivable Supervisor
May 1, 2007 | Issue 43•18

POYNETTE, WI—Foul play is suspected in the death of an accounts receivable supervisor for a regional office-supply company, sheriff's deputies reported Tuesday.

Herbert F. Kornfeld, 34, was an alleged accounting gang leader considered by law enforcement to be a key player in a series of ongoing office worker turf wars. He was found dead Monday morning in the third-floor copy room of Midstate Office Supply, his employer of 12 years.

"We believe the victim was assaulted after hours Friday by an unknown individual or individuals," a Columbia County sheriff's departmaent spokesman said. "Though autopsy results are still pending, we believe the victim suffered fatal head trauma after his face was immobilized against the glass of a photocopier and repeatedly struck with the machine's cover."

Midstate Office Supply vice-president Howard Dinwiddie is expected this week to name accounts receivable assistant Irving Weinbaum, 23, as Kornfeld's successor.

Notes from the underbelly of accounts receivable.