A lot of the people have surmised that my move to Iowa is to begin a campaign for President of the United States in 2008. Unfortunately, the exploratory committee that I formed to look into the possibility found that my lack of public service coupled with my almost complete obscurity made such an attempt unfeasible. I thought they were being generous with the adding of the "almost", but I have to get something for the 30 bucks I paid them.
I hear-by endorse Illinois senator Barack Obama for President. Although I generally lean left on many issues, I don't trust politicians on either side of the fence. The political machine is suppose to be operated by intelligent adults with dynamic opinions that are shaped by experience to further America as the great country that it is. Instead they are as dogmatic at children on the playground who won't share a swing set. Children are excused for thinking in black and white, good and evil, and with me/against me because they don't know any better; Adults have no excuse.
Political campaigns are run like chess games, with candidates nominated for being "electable" rather than "good" and large sections of the country ignored because they don't have enough votes in the electoral college. And we as voters do things like blame Ralph Nader for not getting Al Gore elected, but most of the people I knew that voted for Nader wouldn't have voted at all. It's like what Devo said, "Freedom of choice is what you got/Freedom from choice is what you want." Do you think it's a coincidence that people like Bob Dole and Al Gore more now than when they were running for office?
This dysfunctional political system need a good, honest, real shake up. For that Obama is the perfect President. I'll justify my love in no order:
1. The name! Can you think of a more untraditionally American name for a politician holding national office than Barack Hussein Obama? Ok, Spiro Agnew, fine.
2. This article! This blew my mind when I read it last week. A Plan, A Man, My main political Pet Peeve Squashed! Obama!
3. He makes the right people nervous! Republicans and Democrats alike covet and fear his charisma. He's as close as we've come to a Kevin Kline's Dave;a movie as fanciful and naively idealistic as any fantasy.
4. He's honest and doesn't care if it hurts him politically! Here's an article about that.
But I realize he'll probably won't get elected. Why? I just named 4 reasons why.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
The Whore Of Popular Culture
This weekend I had the pleasure of hanging out with Jeff Krulik and John Heyn, creators of the certified cult classic documentary Heavy Metal Parking Lot . It's a short, simple film of Judas Priest fans(and to a lesser extent Dokken fans) as they do their pre-game substance abusing before a Priest show in 1986 at the Cap Center. It's since gained a cult following through word of mouth and the dubbing of video cassettes of friends.
I saw it for the first time on Saturday at the Black Cat and it is pretty great. The twenty years that have passed have given it a few extra layers of unintentional comedy. The mullets, sleeveless t-shirts and Trans-ams are as they were, not the ironic approximations from TV or movies that try to capture the era that always rings so hollow for us people who actually lived through it (like me). And when the girl says if she met Priest singer Rob Halford she'd "jump his bones" it was hard to imagine back then that this man.......
could be gay. The fact that is was filmed in a place that was familiar to most everyone in the crowd induced cheers when a group of people in the movie proudly proclaimed "Glen Burnie!"
Jeff had done a ton of other movies since them (most of which can be viewed at Planet Krulik) but none have approached the pop culture success of HMPL. He told me that he's always been grateful that people feel so strongly about it, but it was odd that he is best remembered for what was basically a goof project two decades ago. I told him my basic observation about the increasingly fickle nature of pop culture: It's a whore running at the speed of light; if you try to catch her, you'll fail and look silly doing it. The most you can hope for is to do the best work you can and hope it runs you over.
I saw it for the first time on Saturday at the Black Cat and it is pretty great. The twenty years that have passed have given it a few extra layers of unintentional comedy. The mullets, sleeveless t-shirts and Trans-ams are as they were, not the ironic approximations from TV or movies that try to capture the era that always rings so hollow for us people who actually lived through it (like me). And when the girl says if she met Priest singer Rob Halford she'd "jump his bones" it was hard to imagine back then that this man.......
could be gay. The fact that is was filmed in a place that was familiar to most everyone in the crowd induced cheers when a group of people in the movie proudly proclaimed "Glen Burnie!"
Jeff had done a ton of other movies since them (most of which can be viewed at Planet Krulik) but none have approached the pop culture success of HMPL. He told me that he's always been grateful that people feel so strongly about it, but it was odd that he is best remembered for what was basically a goof project two decades ago. I told him my basic observation about the increasingly fickle nature of pop culture: It's a whore running at the speed of light; if you try to catch her, you'll fail and look silly doing it. The most you can hope for is to do the best work you can and hope it runs you over.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Pretentious and Pretentiouser
I was reading a story recently about a current beef between music combos Panic At The Disco and Bloc Party. If you want to read a story about it here's a link, but basically Bloc Party said they're "Keeping it real" and Panic care more about being a ringtone on some teen girls phone than making good music.
This isn't about me liking or caring about either band (Panic annoys the bejesus out of me and Bloc Party is unique, but not in a way that I'm interested in), it's about pretension.
I have a personal war against pretension (which is why I won't put a ! after panic), as illustrated in my personal manifesto the Popagenda (check number 7). Yes, I realize that having a manifesto is pretentious, but it is a means to an end. The problem with fighting against pretension is the same as the war against Drugs, Poverty or Terrorism; there is no nation-state, no true figurehead, no Death Star to destroy to ultimately win it.
I hate it so much because it's often just a tool of revenge to make people feel bad about themselves; most pretentious people spent their teenage years as the Anthony Michael Hall in their personal John Hughes movie. I did too, although I was more of a "Duckie" guy myself.
It's a basic clash between the two main forms of pretension: Those who aren't as cool as they think they are (Panic) and those who aren't as smart as they think they are (Bloc Party).
The key is that everyone is full of shit, it's all about whose smell we can stand.
This isn't about me liking or caring about either band (Panic annoys the bejesus out of me and Bloc Party is unique, but not in a way that I'm interested in), it's about pretension.
I have a personal war against pretension (which is why I won't put a ! after panic), as illustrated in my personal manifesto the Popagenda (check number 7). Yes, I realize that having a manifesto is pretentious, but it is a means to an end. The problem with fighting against pretension is the same as the war against Drugs, Poverty or Terrorism; there is no nation-state, no true figurehead, no Death Star to destroy to ultimately win it.
I hate it so much because it's often just a tool of revenge to make people feel bad about themselves; most pretentious people spent their teenage years as the Anthony Michael Hall in their personal John Hughes movie. I did too, although I was more of a "Duckie" guy myself.
It's a basic clash between the two main forms of pretension: Those who aren't as cool as they think they are (Panic) and those who aren't as smart as they think they are (Bloc Party).
The key is that everyone is full of shit, it's all about whose smell we can stand.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
I'm going to jail in Iowa!
O.K., not really. I'm going to live in a FORMER jail in Iowa. The main comedic element of this was that it's my dad's vacation house in IOWA, until I found out more about the house he and one of my uncles recently bought. It was built as a jail in the late 1880's and was converted into a doctor's office more recently.
I'm making this admittedly drastic change in my life because I'm sick of not being happy with my life. I love the people I work with, but I HATE my job and I don't think I'm going to be able to get another one that pays me enough (that I won't hate) to live in DC without regularly selling my plasma. Add to that the fact that my house, affectionately known as "the Reno Lounge", is closing up, and you have a catalyst for change.
I'm going to concentrate on my writing for a while, most specifically to finish my book, "Surviving Retail". I got a lot of it done when I was unemployed last spring and summer, but the specter of bills and expenses caused a decent amount of stress and the overall distraction level that DC provides prevented me from doing more.
Like meditating, where one clears the mind of it's clutter, I'm purposefully clearing out the life that I've grown accustomed to to focus on the only thing that seems to be going forward, writing.
This move is not permanent, but it will at least be until I finish the retail book. I may start another one consisting of essays and observations mixed with my Iowa experiences that I'm tentatively titling "Earth Don't Suit You". I blame Chuck Klosterman and his book "Killing Yourself to Live" for inspiration. I'm also planning on doing some recording out there for a new CD called "Without You I'm Something".
Anyway, I'm kind of excited about this, I'll post more about it soon.
I'm making this admittedly drastic change in my life because I'm sick of not being happy with my life. I love the people I work with, but I HATE my job and I don't think I'm going to be able to get another one that pays me enough (that I won't hate) to live in DC without regularly selling my plasma. Add to that the fact that my house, affectionately known as "the Reno Lounge", is closing up, and you have a catalyst for change.
I'm going to concentrate on my writing for a while, most specifically to finish my book, "Surviving Retail". I got a lot of it done when I was unemployed last spring and summer, but the specter of bills and expenses caused a decent amount of stress and the overall distraction level that DC provides prevented me from doing more.
Like meditating, where one clears the mind of it's clutter, I'm purposefully clearing out the life that I've grown accustomed to to focus on the only thing that seems to be going forward, writing.
This move is not permanent, but it will at least be until I finish the retail book. I may start another one consisting of essays and observations mixed with my Iowa experiences that I'm tentatively titling "Earth Don't Suit You". I blame Chuck Klosterman and his book "Killing Yourself to Live" for inspiration. I'm also planning on doing some recording out there for a new CD called "Without You I'm Something".
Anyway, I'm kind of excited about this, I'll post more about it soon.
Friday, December 29, 2006
2006:Your Pal in Review
I started writing a year end post, until I realized that there all way to many of those already. with my end picks for music especially echoed too many other people's (Hold Steady, TV on the Radio, Yeah Yeah Yeahs).
The other things I wanted to write about have been done to death by people who get paid to write(You Tube, DVR, MySpace).
So I just wanted to thank my readers for their time. Having the immediate feedback of blogging has helped me immeasurably with my writing. I'm a little more than halfway done with my book "Surviving Retail" and most of that has been since I started blogging, after six years of stops and starts. Thanks a lot for everything.
My Favorite Posts.
Episode VII:Salad Days of the jedi
Things I've Never Understood About Men
How I stopped worrying and learn to love going bald
Part 2
I Need Coffee!!
Things I've never understood about women
Lonnie Bruner vs. the Catfish
Nice Guy's Burden
My Fifth Anniversary 9/11 post
Mid term elections and the Trix Rabbit
The Real Santa
Have a Happy New Year!
The other things I wanted to write about have been done to death by people who get paid to write(You Tube, DVR, MySpace).
So I just wanted to thank my readers for their time. Having the immediate feedback of blogging has helped me immeasurably with my writing. I'm a little more than halfway done with my book "Surviving Retail" and most of that has been since I started blogging, after six years of stops and starts. Thanks a lot for everything.
My Favorite Posts.
Episode VII:Salad Days of the jedi
Things I've Never Understood About Men
How I stopped worrying and learn to love going bald
Part 2
I Need Coffee!!
Things I've never understood about women
Lonnie Bruner vs. the Catfish
Nice Guy's Burden
My Fifth Anniversary 9/11 post
Mid term elections and the Trix Rabbit
The Real Santa
Have a Happy New Year!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
The Future weeps for itself
I was writing my last post on my day off, watching "T-Minus Rock" on MTV2 to catch up with what "the Kids" are into and let me tell you people, they are depressed!
Most of the songs were like melodramatic cries for help set to the same kind dropped tone riffing. They don't scream as much now, but they do yell a lot and almost all dress in black. The main diferences seem to be mainly cosmetic, some bands have long hair, some short, some have Jared Leto as a singer. It all seems as formulaic as 80's hair metal; they've traded songs of hedonism for ones of aggressive depression and hair spray for black eyeliner. They both have break downs in their songs designed to have concertgoers sing along:
Poison: "Don't need nothin' but a good time!"
Fallout Boy:"This isn't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race!"
What the fuck does that mean, more importantly, do I care?
It makes me think about when I see kids throwing tantrums at the store, I think, "Kid, you don't know the half of it." I think that's why people yearn for their younger day, when they had the luxury of thinking not getting a toy or getting grounded was the worst thing that could ever happened until wisdom or fate widened the possibility of how bad things can really get. I don't believe that life gets better when you get older because it gets easier, it's gets better because you can deal with it a lot better (hopefully).
The font of teenaged angst begins flowing when a child becomes aware enough to realize that enough things that their parents or other adults tell them are either lies or baldly hypocritical to not believe anything they say. This have been going on through out history.
This cross-generational truth played itself out on "T-Minus Rock " in Distubed's cover of Genesis's "Land of Confusion." The Singer of Disturbed is one of the many bald celebrities that people say I resemble.
Quién tiene el sexy? Disturbed Dude y Your Pal?
Your Pal by a back hair!
I'm sure Disturbed did the song mainly to grasp at their last bit of relevance but the lyrics were hard to ignore. "I won't be coming home tonight/my generation will put it right/ we're not just making promises/ we know we'll never keep" Did Phil Collins's generation put it right? Will Disturbed's generation? Will Rise Against bring about fair trade because their song says so. The cliché goes, "easier said than done", because almost everything is. It's easier sung than done, and can be more profitable too.
I watched the beginning of the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards to catch My Chemical Romance play a new song, "Welcome to the Black Parade." I like MCR o.k. , but I could never bring myself to buy anything by them for the same basic reason I didn't buy "Appetite for Destruction" when that came out; it had too many trappings of genres I don't care for overcoming my admiration of the music.
When Gideon whats-his-nuts introduced them he said that,"The scope of this band's vision is exceeded only by the depth of their sorrow!" With a straight face! If Kurt Loder (who's 5 years older than my dad) or John Norris (11 years older than me) had delivered that line without at least an conspicuous smirk, I'd believe they had been replaced by robots. At least that would explain John's hair.Robo Norris and his hair
I don't have to weep for the future, The future weeps enough for itself.
Most of the songs were like melodramatic cries for help set to the same kind dropped tone riffing. They don't scream as much now, but they do yell a lot and almost all dress in black. The main diferences seem to be mainly cosmetic, some bands have long hair, some short, some have Jared Leto as a singer. It all seems as formulaic as 80's hair metal; they've traded songs of hedonism for ones of aggressive depression and hair spray for black eyeliner. They both have break downs in their songs designed to have concertgoers sing along:
Poison: "Don't need nothin' but a good time!"
Fallout Boy:"This isn't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race!"
What the fuck does that mean, more importantly, do I care?
It makes me think about when I see kids throwing tantrums at the store, I think, "Kid, you don't know the half of it." I think that's why people yearn for their younger day, when they had the luxury of thinking not getting a toy or getting grounded was the worst thing that could ever happened until wisdom or fate widened the possibility of how bad things can really get. I don't believe that life gets better when you get older because it gets easier, it's gets better because you can deal with it a lot better (hopefully).
The font of teenaged angst begins flowing when a child becomes aware enough to realize that enough things that their parents or other adults tell them are either lies or baldly hypocritical to not believe anything they say. This have been going on through out history.
This cross-generational truth played itself out on "T-Minus Rock " in Distubed's cover of Genesis's "Land of Confusion." The Singer of Disturbed is one of the many bald celebrities that people say I resemble.
Quién tiene el sexy? Disturbed Dude y Your Pal?
Your Pal by a back hair!
I'm sure Disturbed did the song mainly to grasp at their last bit of relevance but the lyrics were hard to ignore. "I won't be coming home tonight/my generation will put it right/ we're not just making promises/ we know we'll never keep" Did Phil Collins's generation put it right? Will Disturbed's generation? Will Rise Against bring about fair trade because their song says so. The cliché goes, "easier said than done", because almost everything is. It's easier sung than done, and can be more profitable too.
I watched the beginning of the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards to catch My Chemical Romance play a new song, "Welcome to the Black Parade." I like MCR o.k. , but I could never bring myself to buy anything by them for the same basic reason I didn't buy "Appetite for Destruction" when that came out; it had too many trappings of genres I don't care for overcoming my admiration of the music.
When Gideon whats-his-nuts introduced them he said that,"The scope of this band's vision is exceeded only by the depth of their sorrow!" With a straight face! If Kurt Loder (who's 5 years older than my dad) or John Norris (11 years older than me) had delivered that line without at least an conspicuous smirk, I'd believe they had been replaced by robots. At least that would explain John's hair.Robo Norris and his hair
I don't have to weep for the future, The future weeps enough for itself.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Holiday Memories 2006
Another Christmas in retail gone by. It might have passed on the calendar, but this marks the beginning of my least favorite part of the holiday: the returns. Starting off a conversation with," We have a problem," or "You're gonna hate me but...", does not point to a peaceful resolution. Pavlovian conditioning instantly raises my defensive shields.
Anyhow, this isn't about now.
Overall, things went a lot smoother than the memories of Xmas past, But the long hours were a stone bitch. Doing anything, even things you like, for 12 to 15 hours a day will drive you fuck nutty. It's obvious that not that many people read my holiday shopping tip posts, but sitemeter already told me that already. But still, people were surprised we were busy and shopped for their kids with their kids.
Do a lot of stores close Christmas eve? It seems like an economically retarded thing to do, since at that point boiling desperation will make anyone buy ANYTHING. But, every year, I always have tons of people ask me if we're open on the 24th.
Anyway, this is the one story I have from this season.
As I mentioned in the tips, the only time you should get in line to go to the register is when you're truly ready to pay. Any questions will be far better answered by one of our top flight salespeople, not by the busiest, least mobile person. On top of that my self imposed register exile has also left me as one of the least knowledgeable people there.
It was Saturday the 16th and we were at the craziest moment of the busiest day of the year. All registers blazing we were rocking not unlike a hurricane. A lady came up with about $350 worth of stuff and had a question about one of her purchases.
"What is the age and weight limit on the Wobble Deck?"
"I don't know.", I answered, and I honestly didn't. I knew it was a deck that you wobbled on and for some reason needed 2 C batteries, and that was IT.
This wasn't good enough for her, "Can't I ask a question at the register?"
I repeated myself, admittedly a lot more tersely,"I Don't Know!"
My boss finally got her attention (he'd been standing there the whole time); before she turned to him she said, "You don't have to bark at me!"
She had a lot of shit and couldn't carry it all, so I helped her take it out across Treacherous Connecticut Ave.since we normally had people drive around to the back to take stuff out. It was my way of silently apologizing for my "barking," but she wasn't staying very silent.
"You know, if it wasn't for your boss, I would never shop here again; you were really rude to me. I know you guys are stressing out, but that's no excuse."
"Well you asked me a question that I didn't know, and you thought I was trying not to answer you."
"There are nicer ways of doing it." It never occured to her that if she just believed when I answered her question originally, none of this unpleasantness would have occured.
I explained," thought I might have upset you, that's why I'm taking this out to your car instead of having you drive around like we have everyone else do, to make it up to you."
She softened up a bit, talking about how people lose the christmas spirit and it's zen or something; the filter of my seething anger wouldn't let much into my memory.
In response, I said, "I guess working 15 hour days, six days a week has kind of made me lose that." as I loaded up her Mercedes Benz SUV.
I wanted to walk home right then and there, but there were hundreds more people waiting for me.
Post script: That lady's check bounced. It was the first time my boss ever laughed getting a bum check, because he knew this story.
He asked me, "Do you want to call her about this?", with a broad smile.
If I thought I would get any satisfaction out of it I would have.
Anyhow, this isn't about now.
Overall, things went a lot smoother than the memories of Xmas past, But the long hours were a stone bitch. Doing anything, even things you like, for 12 to 15 hours a day will drive you fuck nutty. It's obvious that not that many people read my holiday shopping tip posts, but sitemeter already told me that already. But still, people were surprised we were busy and shopped for their kids with their kids.
Do a lot of stores close Christmas eve? It seems like an economically retarded thing to do, since at that point boiling desperation will make anyone buy ANYTHING. But, every year, I always have tons of people ask me if we're open on the 24th.
Anyway, this is the one story I have from this season.
As I mentioned in the tips, the only time you should get in line to go to the register is when you're truly ready to pay. Any questions will be far better answered by one of our top flight salespeople, not by the busiest, least mobile person. On top of that my self imposed register exile has also left me as one of the least knowledgeable people there.
It was Saturday the 16th and we were at the craziest moment of the busiest day of the year. All registers blazing we were rocking not unlike a hurricane. A lady came up with about $350 worth of stuff and had a question about one of her purchases.
"What is the age and weight limit on the Wobble Deck?"
"I don't know.", I answered, and I honestly didn't. I knew it was a deck that you wobbled on and for some reason needed 2 C batteries, and that was IT.
This wasn't good enough for her, "Can't I ask a question at the register?"
I repeated myself, admittedly a lot more tersely,"I Don't Know!"
My boss finally got her attention (he'd been standing there the whole time); before she turned to him she said, "You don't have to bark at me!"
She had a lot of shit and couldn't carry it all, so I helped her take it out across Treacherous Connecticut Ave.since we normally had people drive around to the back to take stuff out. It was my way of silently apologizing for my "barking," but she wasn't staying very silent.
"You know, if it wasn't for your boss, I would never shop here again; you were really rude to me. I know you guys are stressing out, but that's no excuse."
"Well you asked me a question that I didn't know, and you thought I was trying not to answer you."
"There are nicer ways of doing it." It never occured to her that if she just believed when I answered her question originally, none of this unpleasantness would have occured.
I explained," thought I might have upset you, that's why I'm taking this out to your car instead of having you drive around like we have everyone else do, to make it up to you."
She softened up a bit, talking about how people lose the christmas spirit and it's zen or something; the filter of my seething anger wouldn't let much into my memory.
In response, I said, "I guess working 15 hour days, six days a week has kind of made me lose that." as I loaded up her Mercedes Benz SUV.
I wanted to walk home right then and there, but there were hundreds more people waiting for me.
Post script: That lady's check bounced. It was the first time my boss ever laughed getting a bum check, because he knew this story.
He asked me, "Do you want to call her about this?", with a broad smile.
If I thought I would get any satisfaction out of it I would have.
Monday, December 25, 2006
RIP, James Brown: A Pop Quiz
I'm sure by now you've heard about the death of the Godfather of Soul, James Brown.
I believe his musical innovations will echo though out future generations of popular music for hundreds of years. His level of showmanship I've created a multiple choice quiz to test your knowledge of the legacy of the Hardest Working Man in Show Business. The prize if you get all of them right is that you know some of the greatest music ever made, in my opinion.
1. In the mind of JB, what kind of world is this?
A. A Man's
B. A Man's, Man's
C. A Man's, Man's, Man's
2. What is the acceptable level of mess that Papa will take?
A. Not much, that is certain!
B. Changes on a mess by mess basis.
C. No
3. JB my not know Karate, but what other effective method of self defense does he employ?
A. Judo
B. Fung Shui
C. Ka-Razor
4. To maintain the status of "Sex Machine", what must one do?
A. Have a partner (or partners)
B. Have a tube of Ben-Gay handy
C. Stay on the scene
5. What's the proper JB exclamation when you "Got That Feeling"?
A. "UUUHH!"
B. "Baby!"
C. "Ow!"
D. All of the Above
6. True/False: Ain't it Funky Now?
Here's a video of the concert James did in Boston that is widely credited with saving the city from the kind of rioting that happened in other cities following the assassination of Martin Luther King.
I believe his musical innovations will echo though out future generations of popular music for hundreds of years. His level of showmanship I've created a multiple choice quiz to test your knowledge of the legacy of the Hardest Working Man in Show Business. The prize if you get all of them right is that you know some of the greatest music ever made, in my opinion.
1. In the mind of JB, what kind of world is this?
A. A Man's
B. A Man's, Man's
C. A Man's, Man's, Man's
2. What is the acceptable level of mess that Papa will take?
A. Not much, that is certain!
B. Changes on a mess by mess basis.
C. No
3. JB my not know Karate, but what other effective method of self defense does he employ?
A. Judo
B. Fung Shui
C. Ka-Razor
4. To maintain the status of "Sex Machine", what must one do?
A. Have a partner (or partners)
B. Have a tube of Ben-Gay handy
C. Stay on the scene
5. What's the proper JB exclamation when you "Got That Feeling"?
A. "UUUHH!"
B. "Baby!"
C. "Ow!"
D. All of the Above
6. True/False: Ain't it Funky Now?
Here's a video of the concert James did in Boston that is widely credited with saving the city from the kind of rioting that happened in other cities following the assassination of Martin Luther King.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Holiday Shopping Tips from a Retail Perpective:Part 2
1. Coordinate babysitting swaps.
People add the cherry to their shit sundae that is holiday shopping by bringing the kids while they shop for their gifts. Admittedly, it adds A LOT of stress to me when a mom wants me to hide the biggest thing in the store when I have had no formal training as a magician. If you have friends with kids, offer to babysit their kids while they shop if they return the favor.
2. Make another list.
Almost everyone had a gift list of who to buy for, but there are other things they need. One of the things people always forget are things like cards, gift bags, batteries and gift wrap until they're in line and people aren't always willing to be understanding if you're holding up the line. If you put all those other accouterments on your shopping list, it'll save at least one headache.
3.Don't get in line until you are done shopping.
Busy cashiers make shitty salespeople. They will give you the shortest and broad answer possible to keep the line moving. If you have an exchange, a return or are picking up something, it's usually best to ask a salesperson about it. Speaking of which....
4. If you send somebody in for something, tell them what it is they're getting.
It'll make the person doing you a favor's life simpler. Names are written on tiny slips of paper the items themselves are much easier to spot.
5.Don't buy video games or computer software.
Unless you know exactly what the person you're buying for owns. I can't count how many times grandparents have been sent in to buy video games (which I think is tantamount to elder abuse) and say they need games for "the Nintendo" which now can mean the DS, the Wii, the Game Cube or the Game Boy Advance.
This is especially true of computer software. There's little writing on every piece of software that has the system requirements for it. People go, "They have Windows XP," and expect it to work; that is merely one of as many of a half dozen things that have to be met or exceeded for it to work. Also, if it's marked "expansion pack" it needs another piece to work. And because of copyright laws opened software is not returnable, as disappointing as it is to not get what you want, it's worse when you do and can't use it.
6. Line navigation can be done.
Social conditioning makes us instinctively line up directly behind the person we think is in front of us in line. The line could evolve based on how that person choses to stand. This is very rarely how the line is moving. I recently asked the line of people I was ringing up to from along the counter so that any coming into the line would know how to queue up. Someone said, "I think people are smart enough to figure it out." I countered, "Trust me, they don't."
If you take a second to figure out the layout, you can even do it when you first enter the store, it'll save a lot of trouble. The only kind of store line I have seen in the past few years is when I buy groceries. Every other place has one line, so that the next person that is ready gets the next available register. This system works best when you wait until you're called to the register. People try to be efficient and make their way to the register before their called, but trust me waiting until your called will save you more time than those couple steps.
7. If someone's letting you go in front of them, thank them and go ahead of them.
This will save a back and forth of "No, you go", "No, you go","I've got a lot of stuff" on and on. They're not ready and you are. Please don't forget to thank them. Also, regardless of what it might seem, if I cashier looks at you and tells you to go to them, go. You're next, trust me. If for some reason somebody else is actually in front of you(mistakes happen) you can always say, "I'm sorry, (he or she) said I was next."
People add the cherry to their shit sundae that is holiday shopping by bringing the kids while they shop for their gifts. Admittedly, it adds A LOT of stress to me when a mom wants me to hide the biggest thing in the store when I have had no formal training as a magician. If you have friends with kids, offer to babysit their kids while they shop if they return the favor.
2. Make another list.
Almost everyone had a gift list of who to buy for, but there are other things they need. One of the things people always forget are things like cards, gift bags, batteries and gift wrap until they're in line and people aren't always willing to be understanding if you're holding up the line. If you put all those other accouterments on your shopping list, it'll save at least one headache.
3.Don't get in line until you are done shopping.
Busy cashiers make shitty salespeople. They will give you the shortest and broad answer possible to keep the line moving. If you have an exchange, a return or are picking up something, it's usually best to ask a salesperson about it. Speaking of which....
4. If you send somebody in for something, tell them what it is they're getting.
It'll make the person doing you a favor's life simpler. Names are written on tiny slips of paper the items themselves are much easier to spot.
5.Don't buy video games or computer software.
Unless you know exactly what the person you're buying for owns. I can't count how many times grandparents have been sent in to buy video games (which I think is tantamount to elder abuse) and say they need games for "the Nintendo" which now can mean the DS, the Wii, the Game Cube or the Game Boy Advance.
This is especially true of computer software. There's little writing on every piece of software that has the system requirements for it. People go, "They have Windows XP," and expect it to work; that is merely one of as many of a half dozen things that have to be met or exceeded for it to work. Also, if it's marked "expansion pack" it needs another piece to work. And because of copyright laws opened software is not returnable, as disappointing as it is to not get what you want, it's worse when you do and can't use it.
6. Line navigation can be done.
Social conditioning makes us instinctively line up directly behind the person we think is in front of us in line. The line could evolve based on how that person choses to stand. This is very rarely how the line is moving. I recently asked the line of people I was ringing up to from along the counter so that any coming into the line would know how to queue up. Someone said, "I think people are smart enough to figure it out." I countered, "Trust me, they don't."
If you take a second to figure out the layout, you can even do it when you first enter the store, it'll save a lot of trouble. The only kind of store line I have seen in the past few years is when I buy groceries. Every other place has one line, so that the next person that is ready gets the next available register. This system works best when you wait until you're called to the register. People try to be efficient and make their way to the register before their called, but trust me waiting until your called will save you more time than those couple steps.
7. If someone's letting you go in front of them, thank them and go ahead of them.
This will save a back and forth of "No, you go", "No, you go","I've got a lot of stuff" on and on. They're not ready and you are. Please don't forget to thank them. Also, regardless of what it might seem, if I cashier looks at you and tells you to go to them, go. You're next, trust me. If for some reason somebody else is actually in front of you(mistakes happen) you can always say, "I'm sorry, (he or she) said I was next."
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Holiday Shopping Tips from a Retail Perpective:Part 1
A lot of these tips might seem to be a tad too obvious, but trust me; it's not. As Voltare said, "There is nothing common about common sense," and that was during the Age of Enlightenment. Some of will only help you if other people do it, but aren't we in this together? Don't we just want to survive? No? oh well...
This season has has been kicking my ass so hard, I might need a butt cheek transplant after it's all over. In fact, this post wouldn't exist if me boss didn't call me as I was leaving for work and tell me to come in later. If he had called me when I was still in bed, I would have stayed there. I'm too tired after work to do anything but watch The Daily Show and (maybe) take a shower. Still, time is short and I can only give you a couple tips now. I know it's a bit late in the season, but hopefully they'll still help.
1. Rule of thumb: ALL bets are off.
During the holidays, you can't count on anything. Anything. If you see it, and know you're going to need it, buy it. It might not be there tomorrow. The first crazy Christmas season I worked was at the Sharper Image. For all the things they pushed in their Holiday catalog and prepared us to sell hundreds of, the biggest in demand item BY FAR was a handheld bass fishing game. All the excitement of bass fishing in a portable package; I didn't see the appeal (although it was fun), but the Sharper Image and I ruined many holiday wish list with our shortsightedness.
2.There are going to be lines, get over it. Eaither give yourself enough time to wait, or don't bother (you're likely to leave empty handed, anyway).
Regardless of how many newspaper stories there are about Holiday shopping mob scenes, People are still suprised when the store is packed with people. "Why are you guys so busy?" The first couple times I heard this I laughed, until their reactions suggested that they were serious. I have taken to answering, "This Christmas thing is REALLY catching on!" or "Well, 2000 years ago a baby was born that many believe was the son of God."
Everybody is buying presents for everyone else and Christmas and Chanukah are on everyone's calender on the same day.
Safer (not safe) bets are shopping when store extend their hours. When I worked at the mall, they had it open until 11 and the place was dead most of that time, but the Rule of Thumb still applies.
3.Don't write checks. Use a check card.
Believe it or not, a lot of people think a lot of places don't take them or they'll get a bill if it's not processed a certain way. The commercials are right, you can use them anywhere that takes Visa or Mastercard and it goes directly out of your checking account. Check processing services like Tele Check kick back a lot of people's checks, because a lot of people who don't normally write checks write a lot of them.
This season has has been kicking my ass so hard, I might need a butt cheek transplant after it's all over. In fact, this post wouldn't exist if me boss didn't call me as I was leaving for work and tell me to come in later. If he had called me when I was still in bed, I would have stayed there. I'm too tired after work to do anything but watch The Daily Show and (maybe) take a shower. Still, time is short and I can only give you a couple tips now. I know it's a bit late in the season, but hopefully they'll still help.
1. Rule of thumb: ALL bets are off.
During the holidays, you can't count on anything. Anything. If you see it, and know you're going to need it, buy it. It might not be there tomorrow. The first crazy Christmas season I worked was at the Sharper Image. For all the things they pushed in their Holiday catalog and prepared us to sell hundreds of, the biggest in demand item BY FAR was a handheld bass fishing game. All the excitement of bass fishing in a portable package; I didn't see the appeal (although it was fun), but the Sharper Image and I ruined many holiday wish list with our shortsightedness.
2.There are going to be lines, get over it. Eaither give yourself enough time to wait, or don't bother (you're likely to leave empty handed, anyway).
Regardless of how many newspaper stories there are about Holiday shopping mob scenes, People are still suprised when the store is packed with people. "Why are you guys so busy?" The first couple times I heard this I laughed, until their reactions suggested that they were serious. I have taken to answering, "This Christmas thing is REALLY catching on!" or "Well, 2000 years ago a baby was born that many believe was the son of God."
Everybody is buying presents for everyone else and Christmas and Chanukah are on everyone's calender on the same day.
Safer (not safe) bets are shopping when store extend their hours. When I worked at the mall, they had it open until 11 and the place was dead most of that time, but the Rule of Thumb still applies.
3.Don't write checks. Use a check card.
Believe it or not, a lot of people think a lot of places don't take them or they'll get a bill if it's not processed a certain way. The commercials are right, you can use them anywhere that takes Visa or Mastercard and it goes directly out of your checking account. Check processing services like Tele Check kick back a lot of people's checks, because a lot of people who don't normally write checks write a lot of them.
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