The "Kids Don't Understand" post I've done over the last couple of days were written for submission to a comedy website (not The Onion) who, it turns out, has already run a similar story(and had used Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy as examples). So I might do a couple more, but not right now. Instead, I'm doing this one about wishes.
The list of differences between animal brains and humans isn't as long as we would like to believe. But we can fantasize and even if animals could, would -a dog for instance-imagine things like Gods and interstellar travel or a slab of bacon to call their own? But we can dream of realities that can go for impossible to possible with merely a "wish". But most stories that deal with people who are granted their wishes never end with the person living happily ever after, instead they at the mercy of the literal meanings of their own words; often with tragic or ironic results. There was an X-Files episode that dealt with this phenomena with many common wishes that I would be using if the episode never existed. One guy that wanted to be invisible, only to get run over by a truck. With all of the traffic accidents and pedestrian collisions that happen when we can SEE each other, this could have only have gone badly. Moulder wishes for world peace to end up being the only person on Earth, since that is seemingly the only way this could occur. If I had some opportunities to have a wish come true i would have to get back to the wish granting entity until I was able to affix all the necessary qualifiers and conditions to the wish to avoid such a fate.
1. I wish I could fly!
That would be cool: This wish is definitely a personal favorite of mine; I fly in many dreams and it seems pretty awesome. With as much trouble as it is to get from point A to point B with all the transportation methods that are available, why not just fly to where you need to?
Why it would suck: For one, you'd freeze your ass off, two, how fast do you think you can fly before your clothes disintegrate? The image of Superman flying over Metropolis with Lois Lane makes for a great movie scene, but the whipping wind and lack of oxygen that you'd have the higher you got, the harder it may be to stay alive. Unless you put those concerns in your wish.
And while you're at it, make sure you wish for a good GPS system. If you've ever flown cross country in a plane and looked down mid flight, did you ever have any real idea where you where you are?
2.I wish I could live forever!
That would be cool: You could see and/or participate every phase of human history through every twist and turn that fate sends it's way. Besides that, you could jump out of a plane without a parachute or other things that people only want to do when they're feeling suicidal.
Why it would suck: Do you have any idea how long FOREVER is? Imagine a really, really, really, really, really, really long time, and that is less than a drop in the temporal bucket. To out live every single person who'll ever live and witness however the universe ends, with what will probably be billions and billions of years of boredom in between. Good luck with that!
3. I wish I could travel through time!
That would be cool: Another personal favorite, I'd love to be able to go back and witness the pivotal events of history or forward to see if we ever get flying cars or several hundred other things that we could have never forseen.
Why it would suck: Forget all of the time paradoxes that occur in any of the movies or shows- although they wouldn't forget you- think of all the bacteria and viruses that are harmless to everyone in that time (future or past) but would be lethal to you as a temporary visitor. Besides, there are very few points in history were some yuck-a-puck could just pop out of nowhere, say, "Where's Jesus/Napoleon/JFK at?" and be welcomed with open arms.
4. I wish I was famous!
That would be cool: Do I really need to say why?
Why that would suck: You'd have to be pretty clear with the qualifications for this wish. Do you want to be Charles Manson famous? Do you want to be Britney famous, where people are following you waiting for you to do something stupid so millions can see it on TMZ?
5. I wish I was rich!
Hey, me too! I was going to write something about where this money may come from and economics and all that, but being broke sucks! Still and all, some of the most unhappy people I have ever known have also been the most wealthy. Which brings me to...
6. I wish I was happy!
That would be cool: That is really the most basic wish, isn't it? Most other wishes seem to just be roundabout way to be happy. That's think that wealth or fame (or flight) will bring.
Why it would suck: What is happiness anyway? Could you be home and toothless and happy, too? Do you want to be that kind of happy? Happiness can be different for everyone, if you wanted to be charitable and wish for happiness for everyone then we would have to live in their own matrix-like world with their own version to live through, since we've all known people whose joy seems to be derived from making other people miserable. In fact, in the Matrix movie itself they mentioned creating a Utopian simulation world that the humans couldn't accept so they made more of the joy and pain world that we're more used to. After all, what is the sweet without the bitter?
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